Anger Management You Dick Dos!

I forgot to mention that during the "Up Your Ass Mime Fest" the other day, the sweet irony of the whole thing was that I was wearing my baby blue Mr. Rogers T-Shirt that said "You're Special" underneath a picture of Mr. Rogers.

Can you say "Bag of dicks? I knew you could!"

Anger Management You Dick!

Me and the chillun' were drivin down Rio Nada Ave. towards Central when we stopped in the line up for a left turn onto Central. There's a double yellow line there where people coming the other way on Rio Nada try to turn left into the Rio Nada Plaza. It's an illegal turn cause of the double yellow line. So I pull snugly up to the car in front of me and, in doing so, block an illegal left-hand turner from committing an illegal turn into the Plaza.

And the fat fuck flips me off after making many arm waving "What's he doin'?" gestures.

I mimed to the tub and his tub wife that it was a double yellow line and therefore an illegal turn. I was a theatre major, so I am quite sure my miming was artistically and communicatively clear and evocative.

So he flipped me off.

I rolled down my window, hung my upper torso out said window and showed him how a trained mime would flip the bird. I then pointed out the double yellow line and explained once again, this time in my booming trained theatre voice, that it was illegal.

He pulled up along side me, rolled down his window and said "Up your ass!"

I recited a line I remembered from a David Mamet play, "Fuck You!"

"Up your ass!" once again and right on cue, he warbled.

"Bite me!" I Mameted back.

And the light turned green and I rolled on down the road.

For a moment, just one brief moment, I thought he might have been a theatre major.

His subtext was spot on.

There's No Business Like Show Business!

Well, nearly 25 years ago, I was cast in the part of Buffalo Bill in Annie Get Your Gun at Lawrence Welk Resort near Escondido, Cal. It was the show in which I earned my Actor's Equity card.

The incredible Lisa Robinson played Annie, Connie Schuck, the gentleman farmer from Fallbrook and father of John Schuck, played Pawnee What's His Name, David Silviera played Little Jake and some clown named Howard played Sitting Bull. Standing Bullshit would have been more appropriate.

Howard and David roomed in the Welk guest house during the run of the show and they didn't get along so hot. Howard was about 6'2" and old and David was about 5"2" and muscley. They were always pretty crabby with one another. Mostly Howard. But certainly a mismatch, pugilistically.

So it's half way through the first act and I'm sitting in the dressing room with Connie, who cannot see very well, and Howard, who is in the corner stewing.

I'm looking in the make up mirror when David comes in from his exit and everything goes to slow motion. Howard leaps from his seat with his arms outstretched and is running towards David to throttle him. He grabs David by the throat and starts doing one of those cartoon chokes with the funny noise. I look at Connie and he is oblivious. And it dawns on me that it is I and I alone who must stop the impending dressing room brawl in the middle of the show from occurring. So I leaped to my feet and threw myself between the strangler and David. I calmly, firmly and pretty loudly (There was a show going on) told that mofo Howard that I was gonna kick his bony ass and drag it up to Lawrence Welk's private office for another spankin'. I pushed him to his seat.

He was, of course, fired. A guy named George was brought in to replace the moron. And George was good, very good.

Tonight I went to an audition for Annie Get Your Gun at Performance Rio Nada, some 25 odd years later. And I got the part of Buffalo Bill once again.

I haven't a clue as to who else is in the show.


I do know that it's the new revised version that Bernadette Peters and Tom Wopat were in. I hear there are some major changes in the script that put Buff Bill into a narrator role.

Gotta dust off my cowboy boots, find a Stetson big enough for my fat head and grow some luxurious golden tresses.

But I ain't gettin' on no horsie!

Brushes With Greatness

Here's a chance to impress the Universe with the famous people you have been within 20 feet of.

When Viv and I worked at the Missing Inn, we saw, in order of importance:

1. Mohamed Ali.

2. Adam Ant.

3. Liz Taylor and her son.

4. Ann Landers or Abigail Van Buren (They look alike. Same doo. So who knows).

5. Les Brown without his Band of Renown.

6. Kelly Lange, Paul Moyers and James Coco (Three way tie).

I dare ya. Beat Adam Ant if ya can.

Bullwinkle Dharma

All this Gumby talk reminds me of the time I wrote to Bullwinkle.

I had this book called "Addresses of the Stars". Most of the addresses that were in the book were actually addresses of the stars agents and therefore would be virtually useless when trying to reach any stars. But I decided to write Bullwinkle anyway because I thought it would be seismo cool to have an autographed photo of the Moose. After all, the Moose carried the show. That tic infested squirrel was just a sounding board for the Moose's best material. Sorta like Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis. And I was a loyal fan.

So I wrote a nice letter to Bullwinkle and mailed it to Jay Ward Productions on Sunset Blvd. in Hollywood, Calif.

And I waited. And waited. And forgot all about it.

Then one day, about a year and a half later, I received a letter in a big envelope! From Jay Ward! Yipee! My Bullwinkle autographed 8XIO photo! Finally!

I opened the envelope and in it was a Jay Ward catalogue with a nice little note written on the cover from Mrs. Ward explaining that Jay had died a few years back and that they didn't have any photos, but if I wanted, I could order some neat Bullwinkle merchandise from the catalogue.

Shit!

Bullwinkle ties, underwear (boxers, briefs, or bikini briefs), coffee mugs, playing cards, T-shirts, socks, ball caps, floppy hats, bolo ties, sun glasses and on and on. They even had Bullwinkle Soda that was "blue" and bubble gum flavored.

But no autographed photos!

So I ordered a pair of Bullwinkle bikini briefs with a picture of the Moose where ones tender bits are located and waited. And waited. And I forgot about them.

Gumby Dharma

I just saw this cool cool documentary on Gumby and Art Clockey called Gumby Dharma. Sort of a bio on Art, Gumby, Pokey et al.

Some things I learned:

1. When first conceived, Gumby looked like a phallus until Art added the bump, which was modeled from a doo that his father once had.

2. Art was a follower of Si Baba (I think that's his name) and Gumby was once blessed with the Holy Ash by Si Baba in India.

3. "There are two kinds of people in the world: Prickly and Gooey," said Western Zen Man Alan Watts at a confab in San Jose attended by Art. Art named the two character friends of Gumby and Pokey's Prickly and Gooey after Watts' reference.

4. Art met his second wife at a clothing optional resort in Northern California.

5. Art also created Davey and Goliath.

6. Sneaky Pete, the slide guitar player of fame and fortune was working for Art in the early Gumby days and some one said "We need a theme song!" So Pete got the job. He made $100 dollars for the song.

At the end of the movie, Art is seen in a field of flowers dancing to the Gumby theme. Soon, Gumby and Pokey appear and dance happily with Art in the flowers as the credits roll by.

We used to watch Gumby everyday. I always wished I could ride around with Gumby and Pokey in all their cool vehicles and trains.

Ahnold and the Astronaut

Here's the lastest Ahnold update:

You may recall that a guy called Batboy and some co-conspirators wheat pasted a life size Ahnold in his muscley days on a utility pole up in Orange County Crest. Within a few days it was removed by the authorities.

Within hours, the vandals put up a sign that said "I'll Be Bach!"

Well, a few days later, the neer do wells rehung an Ahnold, only this time it was a Treminator Ahnold with a red LED light eyeball that shown into the night as if to warn the ships of OC Crest of rocks and wrecks and sandbars.

The authorities returned and tore assunder the handsome paper guvinator, once more cleaning the pole of all debris.

Save for the lone LED eyeball shining red and evil in the chill, black night. It would not be moved!

And still HE LIVES!!!

And I think I saw Wally Schirra pasted in his spacesuit.

Sherwin and the Mortal Coil

My friend Sherwin Tilton died the other evening. He had been battling cancer of the kidneys for nearly 2 years.He was a brilliant, sweet and funny guy who I have known since we were kids.

Sherwin left Rio Nada a number of years ago to pursue a career in film making and almost instantly made a name for himself with a film starring Karen Black. Rio Nada was proud.

I last spoke with him at a high school reunion a few years ago in Ontario, Ca. He was trim and fit and looked none the worse for wear.

He will be buried Thursday in a cemetery called Hollywood Forever.