It's Rainin' Ukes

I've been in the News Suppress and on a local TV station a few times in the last couple of months with regards to the various Uke ventures I'm involved with. People call and send EMails and otherwise make contact with you when they see you in the media. One old friend EMailed and said her hub had just played drums for Jake Shimakoburo the weekend before and had talked Jake into signing a poster and 2 CD's over to the Woodchuck Ukesters. The Ukesters were happy has clams.

Last night, an old Garden of Eden Church member called me out of the blue. Her name was Flora and I remembered her from when I was a kid because her Hub's name was Wimpy. I never forget a Wimpy.

She was calling because she was the executor for the estate of a 103 year old lady who had just passed on. The old lady's nephew was supposed to be the executor but she got pissed off at him and cancelled him and gave the job to Flora. Flora said she couldn't refuse a 103 year old lady.

Flora had the old lady's ukulele, which had been found in the bowels of some closet, and wanted to give it a good home. So, having seen me in the paper, she called and offered it to me. I said I would be happy to put the thing to good use and will pick it up tomorrow.

So, hooray, another uke in the house! Little wooden babies everywhere!

Zombie Running

Liam left the gate open the other night.

We have a driveway that's about 100 feet from the street to the house. In the early morning, about 6 A.M., I always let the boy dogs out. Dil is jittery and feeble and Zombie is a big goofy pup of about 50 pounds. They run crazy out the door and spill into the yard rooting for whatever they can destroy as I walk down to the gate to get the News Suppress.

And the gate is opened. Zombie spies it and is off and out like a doofus Sea Biscuit tearing down the street at a bazillion miles an hour. Every dog in the hood is barking for him, like when Bromden escapes the nut house, and I am following in my Feety Jammies shouting "You stoooopid, stoopid fecking dog!!!! You mickeyfickey dog!!! Zombie come come!!! Zombie come home!!!

At 6 in the morning.

Even the monkeys across the street were awake and howling with all their lungs could muster.

Being at the top of the food chain is not all it's cracked up to be.

Let the Sunshine In

It's 85 degrees Farenheit today in my neck of the SoCal! Damn the cold! Damn! Damn! Damn!

Princess made another incredible cell phone discovery today. If she pushes a few buttons on her phone, it can identify the song title and artist of whatever song is playing on the radio. She nailed some Della Reese song yesterday on the way down the hill from Woodchuck. I tried singing Ole' Man River into the thing, but it couldn't figure out who I was.

Viv and I went to the Pizzazzy Pizza Kitchen last night for a practice B-Day dinner. We were joined by Princess and her friend for desert. They devoured a slab of gooey death chocolate in-yo-face slathered up with a creamy ice cream on your bosom blend. Watta mess it could have been.

Round midnite, Liam ran out of gas up the hill beyond Woodchuck. I nearly had to go rescue him. But a friend was able to round up a can of fossil fuel to power the VW home. It's all downhill anyway.

The Big B-Day Dinner is tonight. Lotsa friends at either Raymundo's or Anchovie's. Should be fun. We'll probably dance on the tables, gravity permitting.

Time Flies When Yer Having Fun, Picture in the Paper, and a Fan

My sweetie, Viv, turns fifty tomorrow. We met at Licorice Pizza Records and Tapes in beautiful Rio Nada oh so many years ago. Seems like yesterday. She is still lovely to behold. Happy B-Day sweetie!

My picture and a small article on the Woodchuck Ukesters was in the News-Suppress today. I also got a Podcast. The Podcast voice pronounced Ukesters with a short u. I was miserably paraphrased and misquoted so as to render my word jewels and ruby wisdoms powerless, turgid and uninspiring. What's a boy to do.

I also received an E-Fan mail. Sheesh. The fan wants to contact me. Probably wants to start a fan club.

What next? Papparrazi?

I'm starting to feel like Brittney Spears.

I'm also relieved to read that they've busted some Indian (as in India) doctor in the stolen kidney caper. Maybe they can retrieve the stolen property.

I hope the put him in jail and feed him nothing but mud cookies.

Gung Hay Fat Choy!

The Rhine in Spine

Princess Canary made a great discovery today. She doesn't have to read any of her text messages on her phone anymore. She can push a button and one of those robot voices says the message to her. All evening she's been texting herself gross, cuss and offensive words and phrases. The best one was "Bite me ass bitch" or something like that. Pretty dang funny. The robot pronounced booger as boojer. Fuck sounds like fook. Another good one was "Excuse me sir, you have stepped in poooo."

The she-bot sounds like Borat, but with a college degree from, say, Inner Slabovia.

I'm gonna try texting "Iyee fairt en yoor jeneral die rax shun!"

Don't Forget to Vote

Don't forget to vote!

R.U.L.F. = Right Underwear Lifts Fannies

The Rio Nada Ukulele Liberation Front had it's Super Bowl Uke Circle today. It was a dreary day, and few were expected to attend due to the Bowl and the drear. Brother Atom Bomb of Reflection was ill with something akin to scrofula. And since no one is happy with a bout of scrofula, he stayed home with a bottle of Southern Comfort which he would occassionally zap in the microwave for 40 seconds so as to increase its therapeutic impact. He should be good as new sooner than expected.

Surprise, surprise! We had had an excellent turnout of happy football haters. Kurt, Karl, Liam the Boy Uke Genius and his Pa, Doe, Terrance, Rocky, Randolph and family, new guy Rich and moi all giggled our way through some of the old Hymn numbers (Jamaica Farewell, Daydream, Up On the Roof, All I Have To Do is Dream, etc.) and a coupla newies. Liam and his Pa brought in a Dead tune (something about a devil) that was great. Terrance did a Social D. song that was great as well. Doe did Sukiyaki buy Kyu Sakamoto. Lovely, as usual. I putzed through Daydream Believer, which hasn't hit it's stride as of yet. Rocky did a hilarious song buy a guy named Zimmerman (but not the Zimmerman).

I don't know about them, but I had a wonderful time. I always leave with a buzz of the natural kind. Sorta like when I'm on It's A Small World. Even with all that drear hanging around.

Bro A., being the brains of the outfit and being absent, left a wee hole where leadership and harmony should have been. So we started off with a small thud but were jumpin' pretty quickly.

Hurry back, O Atom Bomb Brother. Your minions await your basso guidance.


Halftime during the Super Bowl is when your not supposed to flush your toilet because everyone in the Universe is flushing theirs as well. Just imagine.

Well, everyone is ordering pizzas, too. Princess ordered three and when the pizza guy arrived he called and left a message on our phone that said "If you want your pizzas, you better come out and get them" (we live pretty far from our gate).

So I walked to the gate and the pizza guy looks like the troll in Three Billy Goats Gruff and I say to him with a touch of sarcasm "You guys busy tonight?" And he slowly turns his head to me and gives me the double stinkeye.

Then he says "Should I punch you now, or later?"

Pretty cheeky for a troll who works for tips. Maybe he was from New York?


Oh, and I'm pretty sure that was the best football game I've ever seen.

Kidneys and Mud Cookies.

Watta thing to wake up to on a drizzly Sunday morning:


-The Daily News Suppress reports some fellows in India offered 3 months of work at $3.47 a day to a guy named Salim and he jumps at the chance because he has a bunch of kids and he needs the money.

The next thing he knows, he is being pinned to the ground by someone's knees, there are guns aimed at his head and someone else gives him an injection which sends him into oblivion.

Then he wakes up in intense pain dressed in a hospital gown and a guy with a mask on says "We have taken your kidney. Tell anyone and we will shoot you."

Seems that there is a booming market for human organs in India. The thugs harvest some poor guy's innards and sell them to some billionaire in the Isles of Langerhans.


-On page two is a story about folks in Haiti living off mud cookies. They don't have enough food so they get mud from their country's central plateau. The goo is prized as an antacid and a source of calcium. It is mixed with salt and vegetable shortening and made into cookies.

The price for two cups of rice in Haiti has risen 60% ovet the last year. Beans, condensed milk and fruit have risen at a comparable rate. Even the mud is more expensive. It now costs about $5.00 to make 100 cookies.

When someone eats dirt, for whatever reason, it is called geophagy.

I am suddenly grateful for Blueberry Poptarts.